


Failure

by moonwillow27458



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anxiety, Gen, Panic Attacks, Sam Winchester and Mental Health Issues, Season/Series 06
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-28
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-09-02 18:04:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8677507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonwillow27458/pseuds/moonwillow27458
Summary: Sam is all alone and facing a panic attack, when Castiel shows up





	

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry I haven't written anything in a long time guys. Let me direct you to [this](http://benevolentsam.tumblr.com/post/153743077038/so-i-thought-i-should-explain-why-ive-been-gone) post on my tumblr to explain my absence. I promise I will update [By the Lake](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7540588) and [Dry Valley](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6922111) soon, as they are some of my favourite fics I've ever worked on and I'd hate for them to just stop.
> 
> Anyways, back to this fic. It can be read as both platonic and romance, I guess. I wrote it platonically bc we need to romanticise the idea that guys can be emotionally open with each other and support each other without being gay
> 
> Also pls consider this is the first thing I have written in months and also it is 2am so it is probably terrible, but also that it is written from the point of view of someone having a panic attack, hence the short sentences and all that jazz.
> 
> And yeah, read with caution as the while anxiety thing could be triggering
> 
> Enjoy!

Sam hadn't seen anyone in hours. For the most part, he was glad, because no one could see how much of a state he was in. On the other hand, he knew from experience that the best way to get over a panic attack was to talk to someone, let them help him calm down, but he could barely breathe never mind go in search for someone. And anyway, it wasn't like anyone cared enough. Sure, Dean was mothering him like Hell, but Sam was sure it was out of obligation more than anything else. 

Dean had been at a bar for a few hours, and Bobby was all the way back in South Dakota, and God knows where Cas was but Sam knew none of them needed him to burden them with more bad news. They were already up to their necks with Raphael and Crowley and the influx of monsters and Sam couldn't add on top of that. He couldn't.

So Sam laid back and did the only thing he could. _Breathe_.

More often that not, counting from one to ten over and over again helped. It should have helped. But Sam couldn't seem to calm himself down. If anything his breaths were getting shorter. His throat was closing. Before he realised it, he was crying. He couldn't stop crying, God dammit. He just wanted to pretend everything was okay. He couldn't do that if he was crying, if he was hyperventilating. _Stop fucking crying!_ A shudder ran down his spine.

"Sam, where are you? What's wrong?"

Sam opened his eyes to find Cas stood in the centre of the motel room. His angel blade was poised in his hand, and there was a confused look on his face. Swallowing down the lump in his throat, Sam sat up to speak to his friend.

"Ca- Cas," he started, stuttering - _why did he have to stutter?_ \- before coughing and continuing. "What are you doing here?" Cas lowered his blade, his harsh stance melting away.

"Your soul was calling to me, I thought you were in danger," he growled out. He took another look around the room before stepping over to Sam. "Are you not hurt?"

"No, Cas, I was uh- I was having a panic attack," Sam tried to explain. But how could he explain. What is there to explain about crying over a damn shoelace. Even at the thought of having to talk to Cas about it, he could feel his heartbeat rising, the pulse in his wrist fluttering. It was like a million fire ants were crawling under his skin.

Cas frowned and perched on the edge of Dean's bed. He looked very angelic when he perched. Like what Sam had always imagined angels to look like when he was a kid. Somehow though, he'd adopted the same brotherly expression as Dean. He seemed almost _concerned_ for Sam. Like he cared. Sam couldn't imagine that. Why would an angel care about him? After everything he did? 

"Sam, stop thinking," Cas gently commanded. "I can hear your thoughts. They are very... distracting, but also untrue. Can you explain this 'panic attack'?" Sam started laughing - _freaking laughing_ \- because what else could her do?

"A panic attack, it's like you're suddenly overcome with this panic that engulfs your whole body. You shake, and you- you cry, and you can't breathe, and it's always over something so stupid, I'm so stupid, Cas. I can't- _I can't_." The lump came back in his throat and he began to hyperventilate again. The room span for a second before he fell back against the bed.

"Sam?" Cas yelled out. Sam could feel his presence by his side, but Cas couldn't fix it. It wasn't some scar his could stitch up. This was years worth of anxieties piled up in his brain. Something Cas couldn't even touch. "Sam talk to me, how can I help?"

"I broke my shoelace," Sam sobbed. He knew how futile he sounded. How freaking childish. But he needed that shoelace. "If I don't have a shoelace, I can't use my shoes. Which means I can't go anywhere. Which means I can't do my job. Which means I'm a failure. I'm a damn failure. I can't even look after my shoes. I break everything I touch."

"Sam, stop."

Castiel pulled Sam back up so he was sitting. Sam was still reluctant to open his eyes, but he could feel Cas staring at him and he knew he had to. He thought Cas would be disappointed in him; the supposed saviour of the world was too weak to conquer his own head. But there was a kind smile on Cas' face. And gentle eyes. Not like the Cas he had known, but a new sort of Cas.

"Sam, you are not a failure for breaking a shoelace. Man made objects are so fragile, it isn't a surprise you broke it so easily. I can even fix it for you if you want." Without stopping for a reply, Cas held the two pieces of frayed string together. They knitted back together by magic, and Sam felt a little more whole. Like the friendly reaffirmations from Cas were making more sense in his head. 

Maybe, just maybe, Sam wasn't a failure.

"Do you want me to call Dean?" Cas asked.

"No. I think I'm just gonna sleep it off," Sam replied. Panic attacks always made him sleepy afterwards, like all the energy had been knocked out of him. Without even undressing, Sam crawled under the bed covers, waiting for sleep to come. Castiel was once more perched on the edge of Dean's bed, guarding him.

"Thank you, Cas." Sam was far from fixed, but at least he could sleep easily with his guardian angel by his side.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry that it ends very abruptly, I was tired and I couldn't figure how to end it.
> 
> Thanks for reading I hope you enjoyed it!!
> 
> Please leave a kudos or a comment if you did
> 
> I hope you're having a wonderful day ^-^


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